Things in my mind

Just another night wasting my time rather doing productive actions. It has been a habit of mine for several years now and it seems getting worst by the minute. Not sure if it's because I love procrastination or I'm just lazy. Well this time is neither, for the past few days my thoughts have been controlling me and controlling my actions. A lot of uncertain things have been on my mind these couple of days. Things that have been troubling me such as school, friends and life after December. I have been quiet about how stressful I feel because I don't want things to end. As I try to remain calm about everything there is a bit of anxiety rushing down my veins. Not knowing what to do scares me because I thought by now I would have everything in place but in reality I'm not. I mean I know where I want to be but not sure how to get there. On the other hand, my love life, you may be wondering about Edgar* and Ricky* well happy to say that I'm not dating neither of them at the moment. With Edgar* he just completely disappeared and with Ricky* while I have been texting him for several weeks now and I want to say that something is growing there but I feel nothing towards him. I want things to work out with him because I found him so passionate and interesting I might fall for him hard but I don't understand why haven't I done so already? Is there something or someone preventing me to fall for him? I don't understand myself and my emotions. But this is least of my problems at least for right now...

Taking a Breather

Writing how one feels is hard. Thinking deep and reach down to the core of your soul and write how you feel is some hard stuff. This is has been a difficult process for me just because I don’t like sharing my feelings to anyone. But I realize that letting go of some of these emotions help me out relieve some stress and be more calm with myself. Sorry to bring this up but I guess I felt important to start of my blog post today. But right now, I'm mistakenly insane, with school (projects, essays, hours), while searching what I'm going to do with the rest of my life after December but also thinking about individual #1(Edgar*) and individual #2 (Ricky*). I just want to take time to write and write and let off some steam before getting back to non-stop working. 

Just breathe, Maggie. I tell myself when I feel I'm overwhelming myself with school.Sometimes it works and other times it takes a while. 

How am I doing? Is the BIG question. I don't know, I haven't stop and thought about it. I mean, yeah I'm doing well compared to other days, I'm keeping myself busy and not letting my thoughts kill me. That's good right? With school, I'm trying to take it day by day and try to do as much as I can before my lazy gene kicks in and surprisingly it hasn't so far. With the certain individuals, not sure yet and I don't think I have time to think thoroughly... 

Well lets see how the rest of the day turns out. 

F.Y.I I'm sick. yes again! :(

Not sure where i am at

Not sure how I feel right at this moment... I'm scared and unsure about what I got myself into. A lot has happen since my last post and it needs to be told. Get this last Wednesday I received an unexpected visitor at school, it was Edgar*. I totally freaked, especially when he told me he wanted to see me. I was in the middle of working on my midterm, I received a call from him asking for my help and I can't say no to him. I know it was bad from my part by paying more attention to him than my midterm but i just had to. I wanted answers. Answers to why he had bailed on me. I walked rapidly to our spot and there he was sitting. He walked towards me and hug me. In that instance, I had forgotten what I was feeling (my anxieties from school) in that moment; as if his hug cure my feelings of stress. He grab my hand and sat me in his lap and ask me, how am I feeling? I smiled. In that moment all these feelings for him rushed back in my body, for a moment I felt like the world froze for a moment, like if time had stop. As if we were the only ones there and all of the sudden our lips touch. After that tender, sweet, soft, smooth kiss I glance at his gorgeous brown-hazel eyes and he told me he came to school so we would talk about us and how he wants to make things work between us. When he said those exactly those words, my whole body shaken with joy, because I cannot believe it. The reason I name my post not sure where i am at, even though we agreed that we would make this works has made me think about what's going to happen next. ???? Did I made the right choice? What about the other individual? Ricky*? Not sure where things are going? I really don't want to overwhelm myself with these thoughts but I just want to make sure I made the right choice.

I need a sign!!!! So confused. ?? I know I shouldn't be...  because finally I'm with the guy whom I have been dreaming about but I shouldn't be doubting. Please Help. 

Something Different

I guess I have been one of those people who tend to stay on the same path without discovering other paths in life. I guess this particular individual, Ricky*, came to my path to help me. Out of all the people that I have met thus far in my life he has been the only person who has been able to challenge me critically and mentally. I am glad that I'm able to discover new things about myself and as well how people perceive me. Don't get me wrong, I mean, I have had people challenge me but not the way he does. We are engaged in deep conversations, no a 1 sentence conversation but paragraph conversations. And I appreciate that he takes the time to write to me every day since Saturday. He's such a gentleman compared to all the jerk bags that I have met in my life. Even though I haven't met him in person, I feel like we have a deep connection and I can't wait to meet him. I know it's not my nature in engaging myself with people from the internet but I'm giving myself another chance, what else can I do, if the guy I truly guy doesn't even take me out? Eh. 

Our Relationship: Edgar Martinez**

Even though I don't want to talk about him but I think it's important for you all know about this Edgar Martinez** and what part this particular individual plays in my life. Edgar and I met several semesters ago in a school organization here in Long Beach and through that organization we become good friends. We should have small talks about school, life and sports, something we have in common and I liked that. There was a day in which that relationship of being friends to something else. I'm not sure if I describe it. I was having a bad day; I think I had just come out from a horrible test or presentation that I was feeling horrible. For some reason, he was trying to cheer me up and forget the horrible experience that I had just lived. One moment to another his lips were on top of mine. I pulled way and turned around, What just happen? I thought to myself. Edgar had kissed me. I turn back around, there he was, a smile on his face. I didn't know how to react, I was just speechless. How would you react if suddenly one of your guy friends kisses you? He got closer to me and got my hand, for some reason I felt something. No, not butterflies but a spark I thought it was the weirdness between us. The weird thing about it was that I like the kiss that he gave me and I wanted more so I decided to kiss him again and we ended making out. At the end, we both sat down and we processed what happen, we both didn't have a clue why it happen. I guess it was just an impulse. That day I left home with a huge confusion, did he like me? It took a while for us to see each other again, this incident happen last semester. The next time we saw each other was a week before the fall semester started. I wanted to clear up my mind about him and this other guy, so we decided to meet up at school. We spent our time talking in the 5th floor of the school's library, somewhere private and quiet. Something happen during those 2 hours we spent talking, I felt a click. As we were talking, we held hands and you know what? I felt loved, I felt comfort, safe, as if I've been talking to my best friend. In that moment I knew that he was the one, but I was afraid to admit it. At the end, we agreed to be friends because we felt we weren't ready to take our friendship to another level. We told ourselves, taking small steps at a time maybe in the future we would revisit the topic again. But so far, it's been 2 months and nothing has come up. I'm ready to visit that topic again but I guess he doesn't want to. Since then, we've been texting and texting but that's all. I want to hangout with him and see if I was sure of my decision about him, but as you see he left me hanging on Saturday. What does that say about him?

**not his real name. 

Another Opportunity

My Saturday night didn't turn out to be a total disaster after all. I thought that after what happen with that certain individual that my Saturday was ruin but I was wrong. Later that night, I had logged in the chatroom that I have been engaging in for a while, not hoping to hook up but I just needed someone to talk to and I did. Before logging off that night, there was a certain individual that caught my attention. Let's call him Ricky*, for his protection, his name is Ricky. Ricky is different individual compared to other people that I have encounter in this certain chatroom and what caught my attention is his matureness and his educated vocabulary. Something in him got me hook into him. We spent hours talking online as well texting. I usually don't give out my personal info but I decided to give him a try and good thing I did because since then we have been having an engaging conversation that I never thought I would ever have with anyone. Not even with that other individual who left me hanging. Not sure how I feel about this little arrangement, not sure if I should trust this guy, I mean, I'm memorized by his way of thinking and talking but one doesn't know who is behind the computer screen. Just to take precaution I will just go along with the conversation without giving too much detail about myself. I have given myself another opportunity with this new individual, not romantically but as a new friend. And see if I had made the right choice in talking to him. And for the other individual Edgar*, I don't know what I'm feeling right now, I mean was I looking forward in seeing him, yes but he blew it. Not sure if I should tell him about how I feel or just simply ignored it and move on with another guy. I'm really thinking about who my choices, I don't want to make another mistake again.

Lets see how this individual turns out to be. Maybe I could see my future with him, who knows? 

Another Saturday Nightt at Home

When I woke up this morning I knew this day was going to be great, going to buy a cute costume and then later waiting to be picked up by the guy that I have been crushing and going to a halloween party that my friends organized. But as you can see here, I'm here at home writing this blog rather than at the party that is because in the last minute he told me he couldn't make it. It has been more than two months that I haven't seen him and I was excited when he told me that he was going and then finding out he wasn't coming, my heart broke a bit. You have no idea how it feels to get all excited to see them and then finding out that it's not gonna happen. I really wanted to see him tonight. The worst thing that he didn't even give me any reason why he cancelled. I would have understood it if something came up but nothing, ni una palabra me dio. What am I suppose think? Seriously, the guy is perfect perhaps at first I was a bit confused because this was a huge step and I wasn't so sure about starting a new relationship. But now having had time to think about it, I realize that he's the guy. I know I am always in his situation with H and E but with him its different., he makes me feel safe, happy, comfort... when I see his eyes, I just know. I don't know what to do. I guess sit and wait but wait for what? For him to decide when he's ready, maybe. Well I don't know when I'm never going to meet someone like him again.

I need advice. Please. Save me.

Llorar by Jesse y Joy

Me perdí buscando ese lugar

Todo por tratar de demostrar

Olvidé que sin tu amor no valgo nada

Y tomé una vuelta equivocada

Me quedé sin movimiento

Sin saber por dónde regresar

Lleno de remordimiento

Dejándote detrás, fingí ser alguien mas

Y llorar, y llorar, (y llorar)

No sirve de nada ahora que te perdí

Te quiero recuperar

Ven sálvame, despiértame, rescátame

Del sufrimiento, oh no...

Tengo la esperanza que el dolor

Cambie y se transforme en tu perdón

Navegar en un mar sin fantasmas

Y la luz de tu amor sea mi mapa

Juro que es verdad no miento

Que mi voluntad es el cambiar

Pero sola yo no puedo

No sé como lograr, mi alma reparar

Y llorar, y llorar, (y llorar)

No sirve de nada ahora que te perdí

Te quiero recuperar

Ven sálvame, despiértame, rescátame

Del sufrimiento

Y llorar, y llorar...

No sirve de nada ahora que te perdí

Te quiero recuperar

Ven sálvame, despiértame, rescátame

Del sufrimiento oh...

Y llorar... y llorar...

I'm a girl too!

Blah, is the first thing comes up to my mind whenever I see a guy, an attractive guy to be more exact, why can’t a girl like me can’t get a guy like him? What do other girls have that I don’t? I’m tired of this crap, crap that attractive people date attractive people. Why can’t girls, pretty and smart can’t get guys like him? I’m tired of this.I’m in the library studying just wondering the world of possibilities if I was with the guy of my dreams right now. Yes, I’m naïve to think this because fairy tales don’t exist, blah blah. I’m tired of that crap, that garbage, that society puts into us that we can’t happy endings. It’s not fair, girls like me, have the right to be happy. Why? We are human beings. Why can’t we be loved? Why can’t we be sway with words that sway us off our feet? Yes, I’m not the typical 5’7 skinny blonde girl who works out and its outgoing. but i got virtues and values, and i stay true to myself unlike others. I know, I might be hurting but it doesn't stop me from speaking the truth.  Why do I have to pull away when I see an attractive guy? Why can’t just be out there and flirt a bit, why do I have to be shy and just hide behind my attractive friends? I’m tired of this. I am this woman who I said to be but at the last quick minute I back down and become the nerdy girl who I am. I wish I had the power to be self-confident and go after what I want. I admire my parents marriage, they had shown to me what true love is and I want that. I know I'm still young and have many years to come to get it but why not now. 

God has a plan for everyone and I know I'm still waiting but aveces I just want to meet that one guy, and I know everything will fall into place. I have been selfish, mean, and even aggressive towards others, I know my mistakes, I know my past has been a horrible one but that doesn't mean that I don't deserve what others have. Each passing day I suffer, even if I don't want to admit it, carrying what I carry behind my back each living day is not what I recommend for anyone. I just thought after what I've been through I would have something in my life special to love me. I know I have my family, my friends and God but sometimes I just wish I had someone's smile in my mind each day to remind me that everything is going to be alright. I think positive, have faith but it seems like my time will never arrive... I'll just keep waiting that's the only thing I'm good at. One day.... 

Time for a change

Anger! Frustration! Guilt! Unhappy! I look down and what I see is a big belly hanging, not too long ago that belly didn’t exist maybe it did but it wasn’t so big. What happen? I asked myself, a question of no job and no exercise is what happen. Each day I look at myself in my mirror and this is all what I see. A big belly and big thighs. I just can’t believe I let the summer get the best of me, why? I guess I knew that I had no one to impress so I let myself go and didn’t worry about how I look like but this time I went too far. I must confess, I have gotten to a part that none of my jeans fit me anymore. I feel ashamed and angry at myself for letting my body get this big. I know, body image is not important but it’s important to feel good about oneself right? How can I like the way I look if none of my clothes fit me anymore. I feel disgusted about myself and I need to change.

I don’t want to go in life eating and eating without worrying about my health. I need to stop and think about it. I could prevent diseases. I must take action. I just can’t sit back and do nothing. This time I must keep going if I decide to change. I talk the talk but never walk the walk. I start by exercising but after a while I stop. I keep putting myself excuses to stop and that is just unacceptable.

I don’t know what else to do, sometimes I feel hopeless. I must keep myself motivated and stop myself from being a couch potato and do something. I sometimes I feel like I don’t have support from my family. I wish they could help me with this difficulty I’m having. And sometimes I feel like what’s the point if I don’t have support, but today I realize if I want to change I must do it myself even if I don’t get the support I need. I need to have self-control and be motivated to get to my goal. I need to change. I just need to. I don’t want to lie in a hospital bed when it’s too late.  

It's her turn now

As my undergrad career is coming to an end, my little sister's is just beginning. Today is her SOAR orientation here on campus (CSULB) and as she was registering this morning, I just couldn't believe that the little girl I use to pick on is all grown up. It's sad how the years go by, I actually remember when my mother had brought her back from the hospital after two weeks she was born. I was so excited and blessed that I was going to be her big sister. Perhaps we may have our little arguments and sometimes she may get in my nerves I still love this little girl. She may not be a little girl anymore but for she will always be my little sister. I love her each day and I'm blessed to have her in my life. Until this day, every decision she makes I give her 110% support, perhaps sometimes I may disagree with the decisions she makes but who am I to judge her right? I'm sad but at the same time I'm happy that she's here; I want to let her know that I'm proud of her and I'm always going to be here for her. There are no words how I feel right now. As she was walking away to her orientation, tears of joy were dripping from my face, I just cannot believe she's here in college. I saw myself in her 6 years ago when it was me who was standing there. I hope her college experience is a great one and hopefully she get out of her comfort zone and go nuts. Well not crazy but you know, be outgoing and just have fun. I know her and sometimes I worry she will be like me, shut down and won't be take advantage of what college has lined up for her. 

A Great Feeling

9:50pm

Writing again, oh what a great feeling it to be writing again after such a long absence; it feels like a great joy has re-entered into my life. You do not know how long it has been since I sat down and wrote. I mean, write anything really. At some moments of the days I just want to stop and write, I want to write about random stuff, things that I see, that I hear; things that I want to remember. In other terms, today turned out to be an okay day for being the first day of summer school. Just like I had mention before I enrolled into summer school at El Camino Compton Center. No, it’s not another excuse to not to work but an opportunity to enhanced my resume, I want to do as much as I can out of my education. Many may stop at their B.A and have a good life but I want more than that, I want a life beyond that, I want to give my life to the community and to the world. For reason today I was reminded what I want to do with my life. I sometimes forget with all the crazy mess I’m in but I’m glad that I was reminded again and this time I could be focus. 

well time to sleep, i no longer have the privilege to sleep late.  

Writing Again.

10:28pm.

I do not know what has gotten me into a deep funk, for some reason I complain about everything in my surroundings and usually that is not me. I guess this staying at home crap is getting on my nerves and just want to get out do something with my life. I have been looking for jobs for the summer and nothing.  What am I supposed to do, I’m getting tired of this and just want to live. My mother is right, at some point one gets tired of staying home and gets fed up. That’s me, I need to think of something to entertain me, something that will get me in my feet again, something to motivate me. For starters I did subscribe myself into summer school, I’m taking a child development class; that will help me to earn my Child Development Permit.  I want to get ahead, beyond my B.A in Liberal Studies, I want to keep my options open. I know it’s going to be more work, at the end I know it’s worth it.  What matters is helping the community and our future leaders, the kids. I try not to be negative, but sometimes it gets to me. I cannot let it control my mind because I know when it does I get into a mood and I hate that.  Writing is the only thing that relaxes me and prevents it to worsen. I just hate that I can’t control my own emotions, my own feelings… that’s the thing I don’t love about me is that I’m so sensitive, I’m weak when it comes to my emotions. I let a single thing get over me and I know that’s bad but can I do, rip my emotions out. I can’t, I’ve tried… I try to live day by day, working on myself like exercising, eating right and writing but sometimes I feel that it’s not enough. I thought that by now, I would be okay but I’m not. I guess I have to keep trying and I hope with the help of God I will be good someday…

So long… for now.  I need my beauty sleep too J

My Thoughts...

I'm lost with words at this precise moment. I don't have the exact words to describe the feeling, the emotion that I'm feeling my body. I try to focus, but my mind seems to wonder into other spaces. I have been trying to write but words are stumbled together in my mind and don't make any sense. My mind is in a state of shock, my ideas, my thoughts are frozen like water particles. Afraid. Fear. Sad. Troubled. I know that its all in my mind but those are constant words that I have in mind each day even though I don't admit it. Each passing day I realize I'm getting a day closer to the rest of my life and I'm scared. No matter how much I try to avoid it, the day will soon get here when I received my degree from California State University, Long Beach.

As the year is slowly coming to an end, I'm disappointed in myself because one I didn't accomplish what I had in mind in the beginning of the year and secondly I haven't done anything to move up on my career path. When I was voted to be Latino Student Union (LSU) Representative for the La Raza Student Association, I had so much plans to change our image in the Latino community on campus, sadly I didn't. My plans were to fix up the La Raza Center or at least try to find away to relocate us from the FO4 buildings into a better place to serve the Latino community on campus. Ever since Mi Casa Mi Universidad was taken away, there hasn't been a place in which we're given resources to Latino students and my goal was to try to fix the resource center or at least to get a new one. But sadly I wasn't able to get to that. Another goal I had place upon myself that being involved in LSU I would someway get Raza socialized with other organizations but sadly none of Raza was up for it. So I didn't even insist because I knew mi famila and they like being in their own bubble.

Why does this happen to me?

Taking a breather once in a while is always good especially when you have a lot in your hands like me that leaves everything at the last minute. Something that I don't recommend anyone to do unless you want to have a panic attack in class. Yesterday has had to been one of the worst days in my college career; I had a plain melt down, anxiety attack you may say in class. Out of the nowhere I just let my emotions take control, the teacher was going over the criteria for our paper that is due next week and as she was reading it I just couldn't stop thinking about the paper. The English paper that I have had trouble working on since the day she had assigned to us, you would have thought I should have reach out to my classmates for help or the teacher but I didn't. The thing is that ever since I could remember, I have always had a difficult time in asking for help; its like there is something wrong with me and I have always thought professors here aren't really helpful I mean I have had professors that I'm plain scared off, I don't know why. It's plain and simple I hate asking for help, its like I'm not competent in what I'm doing especially in English. I know I have a problem in English, I get it but it just sickens me that this is my 5th year and yet I have not wrote a descent college paper. Just like I have said before, I have no patience when it comes to writing essays or research papers, I get frustrated that I can't write a good thesis statement, or organize my thoughts but worst of all trying to write grammar-free.

So I wrote this yesterday when I just got from class and decided to go to somewhere quiet and at peace, just trying to get over this and make it though:

I runway from my fears, my anxieties 

everything that is killing me

i try to cope 

but nothing works

too much pressure is place upon me

i write but 

there is no way to escape it 

I run and run faster but nothing works 

i dont know if its just me but everything is coming down

tik tok time is running out

no time for this or that

what am i suppose to do? 

i cant hold it up anymore

I cry in my sleep

i cry when no one is looking

i try and try 

but it only works for a limited of time

my mind circles and wanders

what life has in store for me

another disappointment

after failure

i know we must strong and overcome 

by overcoming them we succeed 

i need peace and tranquility 

i just want to live 

no problems

no anxiety attacks

no melt downs

nothing but LIVE. EXPLORE. TRAVEL. 

So today, after a good restful sleep last night,  I'm here at school and I'm determined to finish paper that has been stressing me out for days. I need to be focus and believe in myself that I could finish this as well as the work that I'm lacking behind. I'm hopeful that I will get up from this and keep going on my path to college success. I must not give up. I must try my best, FIGHT. FIGHT. FIGHT the obstacles. the challenges. overall the problems. Wish me luck. 

Reflection

There is not one day that I sit in front of the computer and immediately start working on my work unless I'm procrastinating, which is most of the time. I usually on social media sites such as Facebook or twitter or even in blogger, writing my nonsense. I just got here from La Raza Resource Center, literally I was falling asleep so I decided to walk out and come down here knowing that at least I was going to get some things done. But yet, I still find myself distracted with my writing. I probably should dedicate my rest of life in writing but nah! I look at the time in the corner of the screen it says 5:22pm and I think to myself I have an hour or so to work on what I came here to do but yet I just want to keep on writing my thoughts, my ideas, my feelings even though I promised my self that I wasn't going to talk about anymore but in general anything that I see or I have an opinion but to afraid to speak out.

The purpose of this blog is just to express my ideas or anything that I have in my mind; just to let out some steam and hopefully people read it. Yes, I do write for the purpose for people to read it but my blog isn't that great so eh. But mainly this blog is for me, to make me aware about my life and everything around it. Daily my postings have been about my own life, that's great and all but I feel I'm not capturing the essence of my writing. I want to speak about the world, the community, the injustices and violence; but it seems like people now in days get the news from media sites such as Facebook and Twitter. But hey, I'm trying... and even if it takes time away from what really counts my education. Essentially I want to become a person who changes the community, one day...

Melt Down

So many things are in my mind right now at this moment it's like my mind is going to explode any second. I mean, seriously, there's the conflict of Raza and MEcha, then there's the supreme court case of Prop 8 that I want to be aware of, and then of course there's my class work that tons to do before Spring Break. Oh great, these next few days are going to be torture but it's going to be worth it because next week is Spring Break. I'm all excited for this week to get here but I really don't have much plan for next week. I mean, I had my fun when I went to Vegas with my friends so what's left? Maybe heading out to the beach oh that's if the sun decides to stay here with us. Well I know that I'm going to spend some time with little sis, as this friday is her 18th birthday and I'm planning to make it special for her. So practically, I'm just going to wing it during spring break will see. 

I know I should be focus, but how can I if I have a lot in my head right now? I guess I deserve this pressure and stress because I'm always leaving my work at the end which sucks. Oh great! You know what bothers me from my English class or any class that I have to write papers, getting the papers all mark up saying that I fix my grammar. Perhaps, my writing needs improvement but I'm sick and tired that each class I feel down because of it. When I'm handed the paper back, I just fold the paper and throw it in my bag because I know the final result. It's either, Fix your grammar or Come in and see me during office hours. How embarrassing!!! I feel if there's something wrong with me, I hate that I have to get reminded each class; I know that writing is essential when it comes to graduate school and yes, eventually I need to get better but why do the teachers torture me with this. I just want to cry whenever I get a paper back. It's not my fault that I grew up a Spanish-speaking home, it's not my fault that I love Spanish than English. I feel useless, when I see that other people get full credit for their assignments and me with a lower grade, I just sit there and think why can't I write like them. One thing I have learn that class is that writing is a process and it takes time... the word time is the keyword. Sometimes I just don't have the patience to sit down in front of the computer and think about each sentence that I'm writing; to see if the sentence is grammatically correct.  

I seek Freedom. Freedom from rules of writing. I want to break the rules, rules of society, rules that don't allow us to be ourselves. $hit I'm tired of everything being so complicated. I know life is not complicated, 

we, as people make it complicated and we must loose that. Writing allows me to relax, focus, and loose all my anxiety that I have in my body. Free write allows me to express all this fear, anxiety, stress, emotional and anger on paper or on a blog. Ahhhhh!!!! I just want this week to be over.... :) Even better the semester to be over.

Just Live Life...

Not sure how to describe this amazing feeling of life; it's like my life got restored again. Living life to the fullest now; I've learn something important these last few days, YOLO (You only live once) and indeed that is true. At first didn't believe in it but now I do. I have this amazing spirit in me and I just hope that it doesn't go away. I just don't care anymore, or anyone. I just want to live and experience new things. I just want to jump up and down and move...travel to other places. Seize the moment, do what you want, don't think about it. Over thinking is just bad, just go for it, if you want to have sex with a random just for it, what's stopping you. hahaha . No more worries, no more thinking, no more anything but just go with it. That sounds like fun huh? I wish my life was so simple, just doing whatever the fuck we want without any complications. Since my adventure in VEGAS this weekend, my perspective of life has changed and has made to proclaim my new motto in life, no more this or that but living it to the fullest. I just don’t give a shit what people say anymore. I’m tired of this; I’m that bitch that who gives a shit what people tell her. I want to walk around campus with a smile in my face and not worry what the other person is thinking. Just smile and greet the people I come across in my path. No need to complicate things further. I’m tired of letting my emotions getting the best of me. I can’t let them control of me and I’m not, not anymore. I will never get anywhere if I keep letting them control me. Ya no. S*** I’m fucken’ tired of this bull shit.

Peace Out! 

 

Grad Fair 2013

One word, GRADUATION. Graduation/ Commencement season has begun here in Cal State Long Beach. As many are nervously preparing themselves for what their could be their last semester here at Long Beach as others are just step away from receiving their diploma. Many crowd up at the school's bookstore trying to order their Cap and Gowns as well inform about other festivities that might be an interest in. For instance, the Chicano Latino Graduation Celebration (CLGC), a cultural graduation that celebrates the accomplishments of the fellow graduate. What is different among the other commencements, is that this festivity involves the Chican@/Latin@ community, that includes their friends and families. It's more cultural and family oriented. Wouldn't you want to go to a celebration that has a sense of culture and speak  the native language so your family could be part of? Yeah, of course right.

Getting back to I was saying, this week has been Grad Fair Week people just buying their necessities for that moment of joy. Honestly, I was nervous stepping my foot inside because I knew that I wouldn't know what to expect. So early this morning, I walk in those double doors, I was completely lost, I didn't know where to go. I felt that I had lost of direction. Then, I stop and realize that this was it, I'm practically done with school. After struggling this last few years I was finally going to step on stage and get recognize that I was done. Even though I'm not done until December, still just thinking about this big accomplishment just scares me. After being in school for so long, I'm just speechless. I went back later on the day and  this time with the accompany with my two friends Linda and Blanca, I didn't feel so lost anymore.

Crisis Mode is where I am right now? Not yet believing that by the end of 2013 I won't no longer be a student here at CSULB. Long Beach as been indeed a second home, all the memories with my friends... ah I can't start, not now. I don't want to cry. I'll stop for now.

I still have a full year of memories... lets go BEACH! C/o 2013

Unfortunate Accident

Yesterday, I stood rather I should say I sat here in the face of the computer trying to come up with the right words to say at a moment like this. A moment that every family faces at some time or another, the tragedy of a loved one passing away. It may be due to sickness or accident, either way or another its a difficult time for the family and friends of the person. We must remain strong and have faith that this happen for a reason and not think negatively; we know that at some point we will have to go that's why I think it's always live life the fullest. We do not know when it's going to be our last. I speak to this because a tragedy struck at Cal Poly Pomona on Thursday, a fellow Hermano Ivan Aguilar was hit by a car while riding his bike and unfortunately he passed away. I am sadden of his passing, [I say passing instead of death because I know he is not really dead, he still alive in the hearts of those who were close to them as well as his family]; he was called upon to God's glory that's all what I want to say. Even though I didn't have the pleasure in meeting him; I could tell that he was one of those guys that could have been a great friend. I want to send all my prayers to him and his family and friends. This might be the hardest thing they are facing and I want to send them all my unconditional support. His memory will remain in the hearts of those who knew him, think about the happy times, don’t let this passing be a sad one, just think, Ivan would have not want anyone to be sadden by his passing but a great one, he had fortunate to meet all the wonderful people in his life and thanks god for letting him to experience that. I know this a difficult time for Ivan’s family as well many of HU & HaU families, but we must remember what would he want us to do at this time? I not only speak of Ivan's situation but many families as well, each day somewhere out there accidents happen like this. Some are fortunate to live and others do not. We must pray for all the families, and all friends that have gone through this situation and help them heal.

Part 1- mi vida

Trap in my own despair

Nowhere to go

 right or left

Trying to escape of this world,

of oppression

of ignorance

of injustice

Trying to get out of this system

There are no exit signs in life, only death,

And I don’t want that,

Where to go?

What to do?

 All what I once love is gone,

Because of war and war

Life is full of betrayals and disillusions

What is one to do to escape from this reality?

I want out,

I don’t want this pressure,

The pressure of the university,

 from the professors and

even my friends,

Damn this society

Lost in a word of confusion,

Lost in a world of insanity

Just want to escape and never come back

Leave and seek adventure,

Travel beyond the waters,

Beyond those who have traveled

I want to see the world,

I want to live

Live life the fullest

Why can't that me?

Feliz Dia del Amor y La Amistad

The title says it all. It's Valentine's Day!!! WooHoo!! Yes, I'm screaming of excitement and not because I have a date or anything but I just learn to cherish each day and everything so this happens to be everything. I learn to appreciate things for good or for bad, and I know in the past this "holiday" would put me down but not this year. Hey, who said that Valentine's Day is only about love, its also about friendships and that's what I'm focusing it on. Each day I struggle to become a better person, each I try to fight off the negative and focus on the positive but how can I do with all the negative in the world. How can we celebrate love if we are in war?, How can we love each other if everyday there's violence in the homes and in the streets? It's a celebration to cherish each other and celebrating the people in our lives and our love ones.

Today's Class

Interesting conversation in class today, we talked about is it easy to create a movement or is it even possible to create a movement? Or if so, do you think students will be up for it? I was engage through the teacher's comments but as well as my fellow colleagues but until the discussion got intense and that's where I got mad. Some comments, what's the point of the resource centers for each culture, why segregate, if we all the same resources available to us? I understood that aspect but as I felt that person should understand yes, it's true but there are some students who come to campus for the first time lost and don't where to go. The cultural resource centers are a way for them to get familiar with the system even perhaps to be more connected to their culture, what's the harm in that? Anyways, it's the students choice to use the resource center or not, we, the community, want that option to be available for them.  I feel angered but yet accepting the fact everything said was true. I feel that eagerness to change how Latinos are treated in this campus. I mean its true, that we all should be united as one but people should understand as Latinos we tend to have that need to help people well for me that this. By helping, not only the Latino community, or the campus community but for everyone that I'll be working after college. Studying and learning about my culture taking this classes has made me aware me more the issues occurring in my community and it happens to be important for me. And no, I'm not ignoring the other cultures but it would be nice if we could incorporate others in our struggle. The struggle to see our community grow, have more people of our ethnicity making their lives better. How will we achieve this if we don't offer them a safe space of belonging, maybe perhaps it may bring segregation but we should also foster in networking with others in our campus. We should balance, so we could develop people who aren't only secluded from their culture but nor from the rest of the community. 

Chillin' Friday Night

What a day! Rain, Sun and Hale on the same day that's crazy. Was mother nature trying to tell us something? I think so, and the temperatures aren't going to get to better. What am I doing here on a Friday night you may ask? No Plans? Not exactly, I had plans to go out tonight to chill with my fellow Hermanas but then I started thinking about if I'm okay to go back to that life. If I'm okay with myself to deal with the drinking and fun that I once had. It's not that I don't want to go back but its that there's something bothering me right now and I feel like I shouldn't take it out at the party. I don't want to go in with it and be the reason that I drink. I want to drink because I want to have fun and not to waste myself. At least now I'm getting better to control when and when not to drink. Anyways I had my fun last Wednesday with my closest friends Stephanie and Hannali. Maybe next time... there's always the semester party to look out.

Blurrr.... damn this cold weather I don't know if I could handle this one more day. Luckily I'm finding a solution to this, a hot chocolate while watching an old favorite TV show Thats 70s show. Oh I missed this show so much. Trying to get comfy here, hey what better way I could spend my Friday Night. :)

I'm a strong, independent woman

Every time I break down, I tell myself that is GOD there for me and I do think he is here but sometimes that is not enough to cheer me up. I know I brag that I'm a new person but it seems that my old me is here within me and it's not going to leave any time soon. I keep telling myself that I'm strong and I won't let anyone or anything to bring me down. But sometimes words are only words and what counts is actions. I need to believe that I'm strong but hey I'm only a girl. That's too much to ask for a girl who is emotional damage since day 1. Damn it, why am always complaining while others have worst problems with me? Why am I self-centered? I don't like about myself, if I had one wish it would be a bit more outgoing and being able to help others without thinking about me. I know that's possible and it will I will accomplish that.

New Me: a personal transformation

      Not a beauty transformation but a spiritual one. I want to say that this time around I won't make mistakes, that I won't fall into temptation but I know that hard to say because we are all humans and we all make mistakes. After this wonderful experience that I came to live on Saturday, I learn so much about myself through God's eyes, I know that we women have problems even though sometimes we don't want to admit to ourselves, sometimes we just pretend its not there but in reality it is and it's not going away until you admit it and find a solution. I know because I've lived it all my life until I turn to God who helped me step by step along the way realizing that I'm special and with faith and trust,  my problems will soon disappear.
      At first I thought it was impossible to forget what happen, and if  I just pretended that it never happen I would just leave me alone. But when a time came that I was approached the problem again, as much as I tried to avoid it, my surroundings reminded me of it. So I decided to confide in God and even though I was scared and afraid that he wasn't going to help me because of my past but something in me realize that God forgets what I did if I truly am sorry and willing to past it. Since that reconnection with God I have been looking out at the choices that I make, perhaps I'm tempted to make the same mistakes but the faith in me has allowed me to surpass them.
     I might not be that perfect daughter but I'm trying to better myself. I know it's going to take time but I won't give up. No more foolish games, no more depending my happiness on guys, no more self-centered Maggie, I want to be myself, helping others and most important focus on my career and of course live in faith of God. Because I know if I have faith and everything else will follow.

A Revelation

This week that just has passed has allowed me to see the clear things about education, it has open my eyes to see why people aren't good writers, why we lack the sense of thinking critically and why we don't express our good ideas in words? I know I'm not a good writer compared to my peers but I never asked myself why until now? I knew it had to deal with the fact that I don't read much but according to Paulo Freire, we often lack of our writing skills because as one self don't get the opportunity to think critically about the text and write about it. Well that's not exactly how I think he tried to interpret it but it's along the lines of it. Not many read and write for pleasure, studying has always been burden to us he says, if it wasn't like that perhaps there might not be a problem. That's the problem, growing up we are taught reading and writing as two separate
items rather than a process. Wow, this is really astonishing to read about this and now that I know and reflect about my past experiences and understand why my writing has always been terrible. I'm not sure everything that I have been saying has been making sense but its interesting that I decided to write about something else than my life.

Blogging

I probably should be doing some homework now that I'm back in school, but I had to take the time to write. It may seem that I haven't been committed to this blog but I am truly committed to it, I'm just taken some time to think about what should my topics be about. There are a broad of topics I want to write about but it seems like I never get the chance to write about them because its either that I don't know that much about that topic or I don't have time. If it was up to me, I would dedicate my life into writing, yes writing. Perhaps, my grammar and punctuation maybe off but who cares. Writing is about freedom. Free from formal, in other words no need to worry about grammar and punctuation, why do we always have to follow the rules, why can't we just write what we feel without knowing if we used past tense or use a question mark instead of period. Why? Is the question I often ask myself when I see something wrong, when I see how people act in public, why do college students drink and party? What's the point in poisoning our liver? I'm not saying that I don't do it, I do and it's a bad habit. But why, what's the need to get buzzed? Why? Why do people act such jerks? Were they hurt before that's why they think its good to treat people like that. I just want answers to these questions, I want to know why to all these unanswered questions.

Mind... trying to find myself

It seems like forever that I sat myself down and think thoroughly about what's happening around my surroundings.It's like my mind has been wondering around, searching for a purpose, a purpose for being who I am. These last few days I haven't truly been myself, it's like I'm not even here but somewhere far far from here. I thought that getting away from my house would solve everything but I guess not. On the contrary I think it's making it worst, it seems like the universe is trying to send me some kind of sign. I don't know why, but I know there is something in me that tells me that there's more to me than just a college student but I don't know what.

Day 7: Winter Break Time to Reflect

Through this long break I have thought about society and how it plays a part in our daily lives. I have not yet found that spark that I have searching for. I know what I want to do with my life but yet I feel that insecurity that I won’t get there. I know I need to break out from this shell, this shell that has been holding me back from everything. I have been through a lot these few years and I think to put all this anger towards what I want. Because of insecurity about everything, I tend to lose my path to what I want. So many distractions and disappointments that slow me down, it seems like I’m never going to get where I want to be. I know I may be putting negative thoughts, but hey it’s true and that’s life. And I know for a fact I will get there one day, I won’t lose hope. It may take forever but when I get there I’ll finally be happy. This winter break has made me think about everything in my life and has made me take drastic decisions.  Stay tune to see what they are.

Day 1: A New Begining

As each year begins, I tend to sit down and take some time to myself and write about the upcoming year. I think about the new experiences, the new memories as well as the new hopes and dreams I have for myself. As the first day of 2013 is ending, I just want to say that 2012 was a great year and 2013 will be a better year and hopefully I could be a better person for my family but as well for the community. This year will be a big year for me, after 6 long years in Cal State Long Beach, I'll be graduating this upcoming Fall. As scary it may sound but it's the truth; the day that I have been avoiding will finally arrive. Not only I'll be graduating but my little sister Nancy will also be graduating from high school. :) This is a big year; I need to prepare myself for this big change. After 13+ years in school, I'll finally head out to the reality and live life. I don't know what to expect from this year, I hope good things because I'm tired of always being sad; I want to be happy for once. Let's see how this goes. :)