Let's Pause for a Minute

One thing you all should know about me is that I make a big deal something that shouldn’t be overlook as a huge thing. I don’t understand the behavior of some people, you know, in one moment they are acting like a big jerk and don’t even know it and the next thing you know they are trying to deny the whole thing. I cannot go into specifics but I did encounter myself in the same situation with an old friend. I don’t want to over analyze it because I really don’t want to get myself hopes that that specific person is changed. I’m just going to go along with it and see what they want. I’m tired of letting people in and turn out they are just using me as an amusement and not for the right reasons, a friendship. I definitely want to be a different person and I cannot let the past ruin the progress that I have made thus far. 

#strong #cantletthepastdefineme 

-M<3

What Happened to Me?

Prior to writing this post, I thought hard about the topic that I should write about, but the was that I could not think of anything. Which made me realize, what have I been writing about these past years? So, I took a look at my previous blogs and after reading several posts I realized that it was my pointless drama in school. Dumb? I know right, I could not believe I wrote such things; and now that I have read them I feel I should delete each post. What's the point of having those posts, if it's only a reminder of my past and who wants that? Back then I wrote to let out how I felt in hopes I would feel better and it did. But now that time has passed, my previous posts and/or blogs don't serve me any good. Now what? I ask myself this question several times, now that I'm not longer in connection with school what am I suppose to write about? What happen to me? I guess the answer to this question is that I grew up. I'm glad that I'm no longer that person. I'm still in the fence but I know having God in life will guide me to the right path. I hope I will find my way soon and I hope to write about interesting and important things instead of my pointless drama.


Good Night. - MH

Back to CSULB

I am completely unaware about what direction my life is heading. Today I wanted to do something spontaneous, don't get me wrong I love being at home, being isolated from the world but today I wanted something different. As I rode the Metro Blue line this morning I thought about all the many times I had been riding that train to get to school. When the doors opened on 5th station, I thought about all the people who got off that same station to get to school. Happy memories. In a way, I'm glad that I don't take the blue line anymore, as you could imagine the different people that come in and go and their drama. When I stepped into campus, it was then that I felt I was a stranger on campus like I no longer belong there. I'm siting here at the third floor of the library, thinking about my life and my future and what direction it's heading to. I remember the last time I was here, it was Spring 2013 when my friend (Erick) and I decided to study together. I know I should not be thinking about that, I'm just reminiscing my college life. In a way I feel a bit of guilt; guilty in not pursing my true calling instead I conform for what I have. Ever since I graduated from CSU Long Beach, my motivation to continue my education has wired down. I try to distract my mind with other things such as my daily workout but it doesn’t always help. At the end of the day, I feel I disappointed myself, my family and God. The reason that I came back to CSULB is to remind myself what I’m capable of. Thank goodness that I have my younger sister attending CSULB so I’m allowed to check out books, otherwise I would be stuck here reading them. I have two books that I think will help me regain consciousness about myself and what I’m supposed to do one book is called Teachers as Cultural Workers by Paulo Freire and the second book is called Chicana Feminist Thought.  In college, some of my favorite classes were my Chican@/ Latin@ Studies classes, one of them being CHLS 330 Critical Issues in Chicana and Latina Studies. I got the opportunity to learn about myself and how Latinas are represented, what roles we are forced upon, among other things. I hope I can figure out what direction should I be going? 

Another Sleepless Night

It's 3 in the morning and  I cannot seem to close my eyes long enough to fall asleep. Not sure if it is because I have a lot on mind or is it simply because I'm not tired. It has to be the first one because I'm tired from a long day of shopping with my mother and my sister. One of the issues that is affecting my sleeping is my school loan. Today is the first deadline payment for my school loan and I'm in the state of motionless. I knew the day would soon arrived and until this point I have no job nor source of income, I'm afraid I won't be able to make the payments. Another issue that is keeping me awake is where am I in my life? Am I doing something productive? Am I achieving what I had hope to achieve at this point of my life? Questions such as these are coming up as each week ends. I cannot seem to picture myself anywhere, I have goals and ambitions but I cannot seem to pursue them, not because I lack in motivation but I just don't want to. Simple as that. I don't understand myself; all the years I've had spent in college and for what? Jobless and broke. I know it's the negativity talking but it's the truth. In the last recent weeks, I have been trying to push the negative energy out of my system but yesterday it just hit me. I'm the exception in my family, well my dad's side of my family; I've noticed that apart from my cousin Raul, I'm the only one who has made it thus far in life, completion of college I mean. I see everyone else married with kids. As I watched over my cousins and their families, I reflected a lot on my life and if going to college was the right path for me? (I don't regret of going to college) I just want to see how my life would have turned out if I didn't go. Other things also cross my mind, the socially awkwardness that my sister and I inherited, every time we attend a family event (usually my dad's side of the family), my sister and I get a bit quiet around them. I figured it's because we didn't grow up along with them and we're like strangers compared to my mom's side where we often got to see and hangout with my aunts and cousins. It's weird, like I became Americanized and left the whole Mexican behind. Just imagine if I grew up with my cousins how my life would be different. It's true what they say about home, school and community affect how child are raised. 

Well, now that I let a little steam out I could finally get some sleep; this girl needs to sleep otherwise, you don't want to see me in the morning. 

Goodnight. Well good morning.

A Day to Reflect

A walk in the park is all I need to think things through.

by Margarita H.

SOUTH GATE, CA-

Today I spent most of day walking with my sister at South Gate Park, located by Tweedy Blvd and Atlantic Blvd in the city of South Gate. As I walked through these paths throughout the park, I thought about a lot of things; things that have been on mind but too afraid to speak out. Finally today I was able to walk and reflect. I have been in denial for months and I'm too scared to move on with my life. As I listen to my music, I thought to myself, is this how my life is going to be like... just consistently postponing for better opportunities? I'm not unsure where my life is taking me at this point but I hope somewhere that I could help people. But anyhow, this walk in the park with my sister help me just to clear my thoughts and relax even in the under the heat.

Cannot Go Back

This past weekend I went out to celebrate my friend's Stephanie's Birthday at Pasadena along with other friends. I told myself that I was not going to consume any drinks but somehow my friends convinced me. I know I should be pressure or anything I just didn't want to be the party popper so I gave in only one glass of wine. Throughout the night I thought to myself, I can't go back to the girl who I used to be, those days in the club and drinking, ever since the party of 2011 I promised myself I was not going to given in that type of social events. Since then I've been managing myself a bit controllable when it comes to those types of social events. However, as I endure myself into those social situations I think about when I was that girl, crazy and wild, and YOLO was her motto and think how life was so easy then. Those times were different because I didn't have to worry about anything and life was just wild and free but times have changed. I have graduated college and now I have into think seriously about starting a new chapter of my life. The episode of Friday night is one that I don't want to repeat again, well not anytime soon anyways. I must confess that I did enjoy myself in that setting again but I wish  I would have handled it differently. I decided to write this post not the sake of how I'm thinking but also thinking about the foolish girl who I used to be. Guys. I think I have a bit matured regarding to guys, ever since the thing with my guy friends I haven't been putting myself out there. I guess that is because I just don't want to get hurt right now. I want to focus on getting myself settle and nothing else should matter. I've been out of school for months and I haven't found anything. The whole situation dating will come on it's own. I don't want to go back to my old self, I want to prove myself that I have change...

Peace.

Healthy Me

Yesterday, I decided to make a change in how I live my life, in the last couple of months I have been stuck at the house, literally I would just sit in front of the computer or watching TV eating what I saw lying around. It's sad to say that I have gain 35 pounds in the last few months. I'm not proud of myself, I only blame myself but I have not done anything in my life. But that's about to change, I know it's going to be a big change and it's not going to be easy but I'm willing to give it all to change. I cannot keep living like this especially if I don't feel good about myself. I know I  could do this, I just need to keep myself motivated and don't quit.

Wish me luck.

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