Another Sleepless Night

It's 3 in the morning and  I cannot seem to close my eyes long enough to fall asleep. Not sure if it is because I have a lot on mind or is it simply because I'm not tired. It has to be the first one because I'm tired from a long day of shopping with my mother and my sister. One of the issues that is affecting my sleeping is my school loan. Today is the first deadline payment for my school loan and I'm in the state of motionless. I knew the day would soon arrived and until this point I have no job nor source of income, I'm afraid I won't be able to make the payments. Another issue that is keeping me awake is where am I in my life? Am I doing something productive? Am I achieving what I had hope to achieve at this point of my life? Questions such as these are coming up as each week ends. I cannot seem to picture myself anywhere, I have goals and ambitions but I cannot seem to pursue them, not because I lack in motivation but I just don't want to. Simple as that. I don't understand myself; all the years I've had spent in college and for what? Jobless and broke. I know it's the negativity talking but it's the truth. In the last recent weeks, I have been trying to push the negative energy out of my system but yesterday it just hit me. I'm the exception in my family, well my dad's side of my family; I've noticed that apart from my cousin Raul, I'm the only one who has made it thus far in life, completion of college I mean. I see everyone else married with kids. As I watched over my cousins and their families, I reflected a lot on my life and if going to college was the right path for me? (I don't regret of going to college) I just want to see how my life would have turned out if I didn't go. Other things also cross my mind, the socially awkwardness that my sister and I inherited, every time we attend a family event (usually my dad's side of the family), my sister and I get a bit quiet around them. I figured it's because we didn't grow up along with them and we're like strangers compared to my mom's side where we often got to see and hangout with my aunts and cousins. It's weird, like I became Americanized and left the whole Mexican behind. Just imagine if I grew up with my cousins how my life would be different. It's true what they say about home, school and community affect how child are raised. 

Well, now that I let a little steam out I could finally get some sleep; this girl needs to sleep otherwise, you don't want to see me in the morning. 

Goodnight. Well good morning.