Conflicted

Believe me, I don't like to over complicate my life but I just wish I knew what my guy friends are thinking when they talk to me. Sometimes I doubt myself if any of them are truly my friends, I have been thinking about this for a while now ever since my last encounter with a particular person. How do they really see me? Do you see me for who I am, a human being or just a pass time, something they hold on to until something better comes along. I know I'm doing in thinking this way but based my prior experience with guys I came up with this conclusion. I have been wanting to discuss this matter but been afraid to. All my life I have been occupied with guys/ boys instead of focusing what really matters, myself. Anyhow, back to the topic about my guy friends. I feel like I give this vibe like I'm interested in having a Friends with Benefits situation, which I'm not. Knowing what they want I still continue to talk to them in hoping it will go away, but soon after another one appears, like the appear out of thin air. Creepy. I keep talking to him, thinking that there is still hope in them and realize what they are asking from me is wrong.

 The thing about me is that I always see good in people, even people who might take advantage of my friendly attributes. I wish I could think clearly about what I really want, if I really want to be place in the position of the sidelines, like last time. I'm over the whole Friends with Benefits concept, first of all it doesn't exist and second of all I'm not that type of girl who allows herself to be treated like that. I'm a traditional young women who grew up in a society that allows such behavior to exist. I wish I could be more like my friends who are more free to do what they want but I can't, I didn't grow up that way. I cannot live freely, I have my own values that I live by and cannot go against them. Even though I had a phase in which I didn't care about anything, in a past where I didn't know myself and GOD. A little by little I got closer to GOD and think about what is actually going on with my life and the lifestyle I have been living has not been a great one.

Now, I'm conflicted. My life has been full of conflicts between two worlds, one stands my culture roots and values and other side the society and it's influences. I should not conflicted if I know I have GOD within me.


#conflict  #whoamIreally? #lifeisaquestionmark