Something Different

I guess I have been one of those people who tend to stay on the same path without discovering other paths in life. I guess this particular individual, Ricky*, came to my path to help me. Out of all the people that I have met thus far in my life he has been the only person who has been able to challenge me critically and mentally. I am glad that I'm able to discover new things about myself and as well how people perceive me. Don't get me wrong, I mean, I have had people challenge me but not the way he does. We are engaged in deep conversations, no a 1 sentence conversation but paragraph conversations. And I appreciate that he takes the time to write to me every day since Saturday. He's such a gentleman compared to all the jerk bags that I have met in my life. Even though I haven't met him in person, I feel like we have a deep connection and I can't wait to meet him. I know it's not my nature in engaging myself with people from the internet but I'm giving myself another chance, what else can I do, if the guy I truly guy doesn't even take me out? Eh. 

Our Relationship: Edgar Martinez**

Even though I don't want to talk about him but I think it's important for you all know about this Edgar Martinez** and what part this particular individual plays in my life. Edgar and I met several semesters ago in a school organization here in Long Beach and through that organization we become good friends. We should have small talks about school, life and sports, something we have in common and I liked that. There was a day in which that relationship of being friends to something else. I'm not sure if I describe it. I was having a bad day; I think I had just come out from a horrible test or presentation that I was feeling horrible. For some reason, he was trying to cheer me up and forget the horrible experience that I had just lived. One moment to another his lips were on top of mine. I pulled way and turned around, What just happen? I thought to myself. Edgar had kissed me. I turn back around, there he was, a smile on his face. I didn't know how to react, I was just speechless. How would you react if suddenly one of your guy friends kisses you? He got closer to me and got my hand, for some reason I felt something. No, not butterflies but a spark I thought it was the weirdness between us. The weird thing about it was that I like the kiss that he gave me and I wanted more so I decided to kiss him again and we ended making out. At the end, we both sat down and we processed what happen, we both didn't have a clue why it happen. I guess it was just an impulse. That day I left home with a huge confusion, did he like me? It took a while for us to see each other again, this incident happen last semester. The next time we saw each other was a week before the fall semester started. I wanted to clear up my mind about him and this other guy, so we decided to meet up at school. We spent our time talking in the 5th floor of the school's library, somewhere private and quiet. Something happen during those 2 hours we spent talking, I felt a click. As we were talking, we held hands and you know what? I felt loved, I felt comfort, safe, as if I've been talking to my best friend. In that moment I knew that he was the one, but I was afraid to admit it. At the end, we agreed to be friends because we felt we weren't ready to take our friendship to another level. We told ourselves, taking small steps at a time maybe in the future we would revisit the topic again. But so far, it's been 2 months and nothing has come up. I'm ready to visit that topic again but I guess he doesn't want to. Since then, we've been texting and texting but that's all. I want to hangout with him and see if I was sure of my decision about him, but as you see he left me hanging on Saturday. What does that say about him?

**not his real name. 

Another Opportunity

My Saturday night didn't turn out to be a total disaster after all. I thought that after what happen with that certain individual that my Saturday was ruin but I was wrong. Later that night, I had logged in the chatroom that I have been engaging in for a while, not hoping to hook up but I just needed someone to talk to and I did. Before logging off that night, there was a certain individual that caught my attention. Let's call him Ricky*, for his protection, his name is Ricky. Ricky is different individual compared to other people that I have encounter in this certain chatroom and what caught my attention is his matureness and his educated vocabulary. Something in him got me hook into him. We spent hours talking online as well texting. I usually don't give out my personal info but I decided to give him a try and good thing I did because since then we have been having an engaging conversation that I never thought I would ever have with anyone. Not even with that other individual who left me hanging. Not sure how I feel about this little arrangement, not sure if I should trust this guy, I mean, I'm memorized by his way of thinking and talking but one doesn't know who is behind the computer screen. Just to take precaution I will just go along with the conversation without giving too much detail about myself. I have given myself another opportunity with this new individual, not romantically but as a new friend. And see if I had made the right choice in talking to him. And for the other individual Edgar*, I don't know what I'm feeling right now, I mean was I looking forward in seeing him, yes but he blew it. Not sure if I should tell him about how I feel or just simply ignored it and move on with another guy. I'm really thinking about who my choices, I don't want to make another mistake again.

Lets see how this individual turns out to be. Maybe I could see my future with him, who knows? 

Another Saturday Nightt at Home

When I woke up this morning I knew this day was going to be great, going to buy a cute costume and then later waiting to be picked up by the guy that I have been crushing and going to a halloween party that my friends organized. But as you can see here, I'm here at home writing this blog rather than at the party that is because in the last minute he told me he couldn't make it. It has been more than two months that I haven't seen him and I was excited when he told me that he was going and then finding out he wasn't coming, my heart broke a bit. You have no idea how it feels to get all excited to see them and then finding out that it's not gonna happen. I really wanted to see him tonight. The worst thing that he didn't even give me any reason why he cancelled. I would have understood it if something came up but nothing, ni una palabra me dio. What am I suppose think? Seriously, the guy is perfect perhaps at first I was a bit confused because this was a huge step and I wasn't so sure about starting a new relationship. But now having had time to think about it, I realize that he's the guy. I know I am always in his situation with H and E but with him its different., he makes me feel safe, happy, comfort... when I see his eyes, I just know. I don't know what to do. I guess sit and wait but wait for what? For him to decide when he's ready, maybe. Well I don't know when I'm never going to meet someone like him again.

I need advice. Please. Save me.

Llorar by Jesse y Joy

Me perdí buscando ese lugar

Todo por tratar de demostrar

Olvidé que sin tu amor no valgo nada

Y tomé una vuelta equivocada

Me quedé sin movimiento

Sin saber por dónde regresar

Lleno de remordimiento

Dejándote detrás, fingí ser alguien mas

Y llorar, y llorar, (y llorar)

No sirve de nada ahora que te perdí

Te quiero recuperar

Ven sálvame, despiértame, rescátame

Del sufrimiento, oh no...

Tengo la esperanza que el dolor

Cambie y se transforme en tu perdón

Navegar en un mar sin fantasmas

Y la luz de tu amor sea mi mapa

Juro que es verdad no miento

Que mi voluntad es el cambiar

Pero sola yo no puedo

No sé como lograr, mi alma reparar

Y llorar, y llorar, (y llorar)

No sirve de nada ahora que te perdí

Te quiero recuperar

Ven sálvame, despiértame, rescátame

Del sufrimiento

Y llorar, y llorar...

No sirve de nada ahora que te perdí

Te quiero recuperar

Ven sálvame, despiértame, rescátame

Del sufrimiento oh...

Y llorar... y llorar...

I'm a girl too!

Blah, is the first thing comes up to my mind whenever I see a guy, an attractive guy to be more exact, why can’t a girl like me can’t get a guy like him? What do other girls have that I don’t? I’m tired of this crap, crap that attractive people date attractive people. Why can’t girls, pretty and smart can’t get guys like him? I’m tired of this.I’m in the library studying just wondering the world of possibilities if I was with the guy of my dreams right now. Yes, I’m naïve to think this because fairy tales don’t exist, blah blah. I’m tired of that crap, that garbage, that society puts into us that we can’t happy endings. It’s not fair, girls like me, have the right to be happy. Why? We are human beings. Why can’t we be loved? Why can’t we be sway with words that sway us off our feet? Yes, I’m not the typical 5’7 skinny blonde girl who works out and its outgoing. but i got virtues and values, and i stay true to myself unlike others. I know, I might be hurting but it doesn't stop me from speaking the truth.  Why do I have to pull away when I see an attractive guy? Why can’t just be out there and flirt a bit, why do I have to be shy and just hide behind my attractive friends? I’m tired of this. I am this woman who I said to be but at the last quick minute I back down and become the nerdy girl who I am. I wish I had the power to be self-confident and go after what I want. I admire my parents marriage, they had shown to me what true love is and I want that. I know I'm still young and have many years to come to get it but why not now. 

God has a plan for everyone and I know I'm still waiting but aveces I just want to meet that one guy, and I know everything will fall into place. I have been selfish, mean, and even aggressive towards others, I know my mistakes, I know my past has been a horrible one but that doesn't mean that I don't deserve what others have. Each passing day I suffer, even if I don't want to admit it, carrying what I carry behind my back each living day is not what I recommend for anyone. I just thought after what I've been through I would have something in my life special to love me. I know I have my family, my friends and God but sometimes I just wish I had someone's smile in my mind each day to remind me that everything is going to be alright. I think positive, have faith but it seems like my time will never arrive... I'll just keep waiting that's the only thing I'm good at. One day....