Back to CSULB

I am completely unaware about what direction my life is heading. Today I wanted to do something spontaneous, don't get me wrong I love being at home, being isolated from the world but today I wanted something different. As I rode the Metro Blue line this morning I thought about all the many times I had been riding that train to get to school. When the doors opened on 5th station, I thought about all the people who got off that same station to get to school. Happy memories. In a way, I'm glad that I don't take the blue line anymore, as you could imagine the different people that come in and go and their drama. When I stepped into campus, it was then that I felt I was a stranger on campus like I no longer belong there. I'm siting here at the third floor of the library, thinking about my life and my future and what direction it's heading to. I remember the last time I was here, it was Spring 2013 when my friend (Erick) and I decided to study together. I know I should not be thinking about that, I'm just reminiscing my college life. In a way I feel a bit of guilt; guilty in not pursing my true calling instead I conform for what I have. Ever since I graduated from CSU Long Beach, my motivation to continue my education has wired down. I try to distract my mind with other things such as my daily workout but it doesn’t always help. At the end of the day, I feel I disappointed myself, my family and God. The reason that I came back to CSULB is to remind myself what I’m capable of. Thank goodness that I have my younger sister attending CSULB so I’m allowed to check out books, otherwise I would be stuck here reading them. I have two books that I think will help me regain consciousness about myself and what I’m supposed to do one book is called Teachers as Cultural Workers by Paulo Freire and the second book is called Chicana Feminist Thought.  In college, some of my favorite classes were my Chican@/ Latin@ Studies classes, one of them being CHLS 330 Critical Issues in Chicana and Latina Studies. I got the opportunity to learn about myself and how Latinas are represented, what roles we are forced upon, among other things. I hope I can figure out what direction should I be going? 

Another Sleepless Night

It's 3 in the morning and  I cannot seem to close my eyes long enough to fall asleep. Not sure if it is because I have a lot on mind or is it simply because I'm not tired. It has to be the first one because I'm tired from a long day of shopping with my mother and my sister. One of the issues that is affecting my sleeping is my school loan. Today is the first deadline payment for my school loan and I'm in the state of motionless. I knew the day would soon arrived and until this point I have no job nor source of income, I'm afraid I won't be able to make the payments. Another issue that is keeping me awake is where am I in my life? Am I doing something productive? Am I achieving what I had hope to achieve at this point of my life? Questions such as these are coming up as each week ends. I cannot seem to picture myself anywhere, I have goals and ambitions but I cannot seem to pursue them, not because I lack in motivation but I just don't want to. Simple as that. I don't understand myself; all the years I've had spent in college and for what? Jobless and broke. I know it's the negativity talking but it's the truth. In the last recent weeks, I have been trying to push the negative energy out of my system but yesterday it just hit me. I'm the exception in my family, well my dad's side of my family; I've noticed that apart from my cousin Raul, I'm the only one who has made it thus far in life, completion of college I mean. I see everyone else married with kids. As I watched over my cousins and their families, I reflected a lot on my life and if going to college was the right path for me? (I don't regret of going to college) I just want to see how my life would have turned out if I didn't go. Other things also cross my mind, the socially awkwardness that my sister and I inherited, every time we attend a family event (usually my dad's side of the family), my sister and I get a bit quiet around them. I figured it's because we didn't grow up along with them and we're like strangers compared to my mom's side where we often got to see and hangout with my aunts and cousins. It's weird, like I became Americanized and left the whole Mexican behind. Just imagine if I grew up with my cousins how my life would be different. It's true what they say about home, school and community affect how child are raised. 

Well, now that I let a little steam out I could finally get some sleep; this girl needs to sleep otherwise, you don't want to see me in the morning. 

Goodnight. Well good morning.