My Thoughts...

I'm lost with words at this precise moment. I don't have the exact words to describe the feeling, the emotion that I'm feeling my body. I try to focus, but my mind seems to wonder into other spaces. I have been trying to write but words are stumbled together in my mind and don't make any sense. My mind is in a state of shock, my ideas, my thoughts are frozen like water particles. Afraid. Fear. Sad. Troubled. I know that its all in my mind but those are constant words that I have in mind each day even though I don't admit it. Each passing day I realize I'm getting a day closer to the rest of my life and I'm scared. No matter how much I try to avoid it, the day will soon get here when I received my degree from California State University, Long Beach.

As the year is slowly coming to an end, I'm disappointed in myself because one I didn't accomplish what I had in mind in the beginning of the year and secondly I haven't done anything to move up on my career path. When I was voted to be Latino Student Union (LSU) Representative for the La Raza Student Association, I had so much plans to change our image in the Latino community on campus, sadly I didn't. My plans were to fix up the La Raza Center or at least try to find away to relocate us from the FO4 buildings into a better place to serve the Latino community on campus. Ever since Mi Casa Mi Universidad was taken away, there hasn't been a place in which we're given resources to Latino students and my goal was to try to fix the resource center or at least to get a new one. But sadly I wasn't able to get to that. Another goal I had place upon myself that being involved in LSU I would someway get Raza socialized with other organizations but sadly none of Raza was up for it. So I didn't even insist because I knew mi famila and they like being in their own bubble.

Why does this happen to me?

Taking a breather once in a while is always good especially when you have a lot in your hands like me that leaves everything at the last minute. Something that I don't recommend anyone to do unless you want to have a panic attack in class. Yesterday has had to been one of the worst days in my college career; I had a plain melt down, anxiety attack you may say in class. Out of the nowhere I just let my emotions take control, the teacher was going over the criteria for our paper that is due next week and as she was reading it I just couldn't stop thinking about the paper. The English paper that I have had trouble working on since the day she had assigned to us, you would have thought I should have reach out to my classmates for help or the teacher but I didn't. The thing is that ever since I could remember, I have always had a difficult time in asking for help; its like there is something wrong with me and I have always thought professors here aren't really helpful I mean I have had professors that I'm plain scared off, I don't know why. It's plain and simple I hate asking for help, its like I'm not competent in what I'm doing especially in English. I know I have a problem in English, I get it but it just sickens me that this is my 5th year and yet I have not wrote a descent college paper. Just like I have said before, I have no patience when it comes to writing essays or research papers, I get frustrated that I can't write a good thesis statement, or organize my thoughts but worst of all trying to write grammar-free.

So I wrote this yesterday when I just got from class and decided to go to somewhere quiet and at peace, just trying to get over this and make it though:

I runway from my fears, my anxieties 

everything that is killing me

i try to cope 

but nothing works

too much pressure is place upon me

i write but 

there is no way to escape it 

I run and run faster but nothing works 

i dont know if its just me but everything is coming down

tik tok time is running out

no time for this or that

what am i suppose to do? 

i cant hold it up anymore

I cry in my sleep

i cry when no one is looking

i try and try 

but it only works for a limited of time

my mind circles and wanders

what life has in store for me

another disappointment

after failure

i know we must strong and overcome 

by overcoming them we succeed 

i need peace and tranquility 

i just want to live 

no problems

no anxiety attacks

no melt downs

nothing but LIVE. EXPLORE. TRAVEL. 

So today, after a good restful sleep last night,  I'm here at school and I'm determined to finish paper that has been stressing me out for days. I need to be focus and believe in myself that I could finish this as well as the work that I'm lacking behind. I'm hopeful that I will get up from this and keep going on my path to college success. I must not give up. I must try my best, FIGHT. FIGHT. FIGHT the obstacles. the challenges. overall the problems. Wish me luck.