Time for a change

Anger! Frustration! Guilt! Unhappy! I look down and what I see is a big belly hanging, not too long ago that belly didn’t exist maybe it did but it wasn’t so big. What happen? I asked myself, a question of no job and no exercise is what happen. Each day I look at myself in my mirror and this is all what I see. A big belly and big thighs. I just can’t believe I let the summer get the best of me, why? I guess I knew that I had no one to impress so I let myself go and didn’t worry about how I look like but this time I went too far. I must confess, I have gotten to a part that none of my jeans fit me anymore. I feel ashamed and angry at myself for letting my body get this big. I know, body image is not important but it’s important to feel good about oneself right? How can I like the way I look if none of my clothes fit me anymore. I feel disgusted about myself and I need to change.

I don’t want to go in life eating and eating without worrying about my health. I need to stop and think about it. I could prevent diseases. I must take action. I just can’t sit back and do nothing. This time I must keep going if I decide to change. I talk the talk but never walk the walk. I start by exercising but after a while I stop. I keep putting myself excuses to stop and that is just unacceptable.

I don’t know what else to do, sometimes I feel hopeless. I must keep myself motivated and stop myself from being a couch potato and do something. I sometimes I feel like I don’t have support from my family. I wish they could help me with this difficulty I’m having. And sometimes I feel like what’s the point if I don’t have support, but today I realize if I want to change I must do it myself even if I don’t get the support I need. I need to have self-control and be motivated to get to my goal. I need to change. I just need to. I don’t want to lie in a hospital bed when it’s too late.  

It's her turn now

As my undergrad career is coming to an end, my little sister's is just beginning. Today is her SOAR orientation here on campus (CSULB) and as she was registering this morning, I just couldn't believe that the little girl I use to pick on is all grown up. It's sad how the years go by, I actually remember when my mother had brought her back from the hospital after two weeks she was born. I was so excited and blessed that I was going to be her big sister. Perhaps we may have our little arguments and sometimes she may get in my nerves I still love this little girl. She may not be a little girl anymore but for she will always be my little sister. I love her each day and I'm blessed to have her in my life. Until this day, every decision she makes I give her 110% support, perhaps sometimes I may disagree with the decisions she makes but who am I to judge her right? I'm sad but at the same time I'm happy that she's here; I want to let her know that I'm proud of her and I'm always going to be here for her. There are no words how I feel right now. As she was walking away to her orientation, tears of joy were dripping from my face, I just cannot believe she's here in college. I saw myself in her 6 years ago when it was me who was standing there. I hope her college experience is a great one and hopefully she get out of her comfort zone and go nuts. Well not crazy but you know, be outgoing and just have fun. I know her and sometimes I worry she will be like me, shut down and won't be take advantage of what college has lined up for her. 

A Great Feeling

9:50pm

Writing again, oh what a great feeling it to be writing again after such a long absence; it feels like a great joy has re-entered into my life. You do not know how long it has been since I sat down and wrote. I mean, write anything really. At some moments of the days I just want to stop and write, I want to write about random stuff, things that I see, that I hear; things that I want to remember. In other terms, today turned out to be an okay day for being the first day of summer school. Just like I had mention before I enrolled into summer school at El Camino Compton Center. No, it’s not another excuse to not to work but an opportunity to enhanced my resume, I want to do as much as I can out of my education. Many may stop at their B.A and have a good life but I want more than that, I want a life beyond that, I want to give my life to the community and to the world. For reason today I was reminded what I want to do with my life. I sometimes forget with all the crazy mess I’m in but I’m glad that I was reminded again and this time I could be focus. 

well time to sleep, i no longer have the privilege to sleep late.  

Writing Again.

10:28pm.

I do not know what has gotten me into a deep funk, for some reason I complain about everything in my surroundings and usually that is not me. I guess this staying at home crap is getting on my nerves and just want to get out do something with my life. I have been looking for jobs for the summer and nothing.  What am I supposed to do, I’m getting tired of this and just want to live. My mother is right, at some point one gets tired of staying home and gets fed up. That’s me, I need to think of something to entertain me, something that will get me in my feet again, something to motivate me. For starters I did subscribe myself into summer school, I’m taking a child development class; that will help me to earn my Child Development Permit.  I want to get ahead, beyond my B.A in Liberal Studies, I want to keep my options open. I know it’s going to be more work, at the end I know it’s worth it.  What matters is helping the community and our future leaders, the kids. I try not to be negative, but sometimes it gets to me. I cannot let it control my mind because I know when it does I get into a mood and I hate that.  Writing is the only thing that relaxes me and prevents it to worsen. I just hate that I can’t control my own emotions, my own feelings… that’s the thing I don’t love about me is that I’m so sensitive, I’m weak when it comes to my emotions. I let a single thing get over me and I know that’s bad but can I do, rip my emotions out. I can’t, I’ve tried… I try to live day by day, working on myself like exercising, eating right and writing but sometimes I feel that it’s not enough. I thought that by now, I would be okay but I’m not. I guess I have to keep trying and I hope with the help of God I will be good someday…

So long… for now.  I need my beauty sleep too J

My Thoughts...

I'm lost with words at this precise moment. I don't have the exact words to describe the feeling, the emotion that I'm feeling my body. I try to focus, but my mind seems to wonder into other spaces. I have been trying to write but words are stumbled together in my mind and don't make any sense. My mind is in a state of shock, my ideas, my thoughts are frozen like water particles. Afraid. Fear. Sad. Troubled. I know that its all in my mind but those are constant words that I have in mind each day even though I don't admit it. Each passing day I realize I'm getting a day closer to the rest of my life and I'm scared. No matter how much I try to avoid it, the day will soon get here when I received my degree from California State University, Long Beach.

As the year is slowly coming to an end, I'm disappointed in myself because one I didn't accomplish what I had in mind in the beginning of the year and secondly I haven't done anything to move up on my career path. When I was voted to be Latino Student Union (LSU) Representative for the La Raza Student Association, I had so much plans to change our image in the Latino community on campus, sadly I didn't. My plans were to fix up the La Raza Center or at least try to find away to relocate us from the FO4 buildings into a better place to serve the Latino community on campus. Ever since Mi Casa Mi Universidad was taken away, there hasn't been a place in which we're given resources to Latino students and my goal was to try to fix the resource center or at least to get a new one. But sadly I wasn't able to get to that. Another goal I had place upon myself that being involved in LSU I would someway get Raza socialized with other organizations but sadly none of Raza was up for it. So I didn't even insist because I knew mi famila and they like being in their own bubble.

Why does this happen to me?

Taking a breather once in a while is always good especially when you have a lot in your hands like me that leaves everything at the last minute. Something that I don't recommend anyone to do unless you want to have a panic attack in class. Yesterday has had to been one of the worst days in my college career; I had a plain melt down, anxiety attack you may say in class. Out of the nowhere I just let my emotions take control, the teacher was going over the criteria for our paper that is due next week and as she was reading it I just couldn't stop thinking about the paper. The English paper that I have had trouble working on since the day she had assigned to us, you would have thought I should have reach out to my classmates for help or the teacher but I didn't. The thing is that ever since I could remember, I have always had a difficult time in asking for help; its like there is something wrong with me and I have always thought professors here aren't really helpful I mean I have had professors that I'm plain scared off, I don't know why. It's plain and simple I hate asking for help, its like I'm not competent in what I'm doing especially in English. I know I have a problem in English, I get it but it just sickens me that this is my 5th year and yet I have not wrote a descent college paper. Just like I have said before, I have no patience when it comes to writing essays or research papers, I get frustrated that I can't write a good thesis statement, or organize my thoughts but worst of all trying to write grammar-free.

So I wrote this yesterday when I just got from class and decided to go to somewhere quiet and at peace, just trying to get over this and make it though:

I runway from my fears, my anxieties 

everything that is killing me

i try to cope 

but nothing works

too much pressure is place upon me

i write but 

there is no way to escape it 

I run and run faster but nothing works 

i dont know if its just me but everything is coming down

tik tok time is running out

no time for this or that

what am i suppose to do? 

i cant hold it up anymore

I cry in my sleep

i cry when no one is looking

i try and try 

but it only works for a limited of time

my mind circles and wanders

what life has in store for me

another disappointment

after failure

i know we must strong and overcome 

by overcoming them we succeed 

i need peace and tranquility 

i just want to live 

no problems

no anxiety attacks

no melt downs

nothing but LIVE. EXPLORE. TRAVEL. 

So today, after a good restful sleep last night,  I'm here at school and I'm determined to finish paper that has been stressing me out for days. I need to be focus and believe in myself that I could finish this as well as the work that I'm lacking behind. I'm hopeful that I will get up from this and keep going on my path to college success. I must not give up. I must try my best, FIGHT. FIGHT. FIGHT the obstacles. the challenges. overall the problems. Wish me luck. 

Reflection

There is not one day that I sit in front of the computer and immediately start working on my work unless I'm procrastinating, which is most of the time. I usually on social media sites such as Facebook or twitter or even in blogger, writing my nonsense. I just got here from La Raza Resource Center, literally I was falling asleep so I decided to walk out and come down here knowing that at least I was going to get some things done. But yet, I still find myself distracted with my writing. I probably should dedicate my rest of life in writing but nah! I look at the time in the corner of the screen it says 5:22pm and I think to myself I have an hour or so to work on what I came here to do but yet I just want to keep on writing my thoughts, my ideas, my feelings even though I promised my self that I wasn't going to talk about anymore but in general anything that I see or I have an opinion but to afraid to speak out.

The purpose of this blog is just to express my ideas or anything that I have in my mind; just to let out some steam and hopefully people read it. Yes, I do write for the purpose for people to read it but my blog isn't that great so eh. But mainly this blog is for me, to make me aware about my life and everything around it. Daily my postings have been about my own life, that's great and all but I feel I'm not capturing the essence of my writing. I want to speak about the world, the community, the injustices and violence; but it seems like people now in days get the news from media sites such as Facebook and Twitter. But hey, I'm trying... and even if it takes time away from what really counts my education. Essentially I want to become a person who changes the community, one day...