Sunday Night

For the last couple of days I have been trying to get myself together so I could write again, but the words don't come out naturally how I had hope. When I thought about what it took be a writer, I would have thought that the words and ideas would come out naturally. But in the contrary, I learn that it takes a lot of thought to get words on paper well in this case on this blog. Here, I am sitting here thinking of all the stuff I have on my mind rather than getting ready to go bed. While everyone that I know is studying or writing essays here I am just wasting my time writing...

Where life takes you...

2014. February 7

There is a point in life that you realize that you're no longer that same girl who you once were. Either she's far gone nowhere to be seen or just hidden beneath your inner self, either way you are no longer the same. This girl on the right is the person who I grew up to be, not the shy and quiet girl but the strong and fearless woman. I might of had a rough start but I have manage to get where I am today. It doesn't matter how you start what's important is that you finish.


 

2007. June 14

I cannot believe where life took me, after all the bad experiences I went through I'm glad that I'm here today. It's strange how time flies so quickly. Not to long ago, this girl on the left, my high school self, use to be me. As I think about the memories, i think about how much hurt I was carrying me within the four years in high school. No wonder I did what I did, and no wonder I didn't maintain close relationships with my high school friends. I just wish I had a guide in surviving high school, I wish had someone to walk me though my feelings and anxieties. But things work out for the best, in a way, maybe the way I wanted but I'm here now, a college grad.

As I reflect back, I think about the decisions I've made and I think about what type of person I've become. It's true what people say about it takes time to get over someone or get over a memory. It took me a while to overcome my struggles and my insecurities. And through each experience and each decision, I learned more about myself and life in general and sometimes it takes several tries to get it right.

Expression

Each time I open a new post I hear myself engaging a conversation with the world. I feel that I'm able to let out all my frustrations, worries and emptiness to the world. I sit here in the empty house where I live in and think what about everything. I think about the drought in California, the immigration reform, the violence in Mexico, the education system, among other issues occurring around the nation. My mind is full of interesting thoughts and nobody to share them until now. I will take my blogging skills and I will write about anything that fascinates me. I know in the past I have written pure drama and nonsense but now I have decided to write more about other issues instead. I want to express myself in ways that I have never done before, either by poem, by song or simply by a couple of words. Writing has never been so difficult until now, it took me literally the whole day to finish this post. In writing, especially in my blogs I want to be precise of the words that I use. Hopefully with time I'll get better at this.

Stuck

I have been hesitant in writing again, not because I don't have words to say but having a difficult time in expressing myself. Each time I open a new post my fingers begin to shake and I close the window down. For some reason this morning I got up and decided to write again. A friend once told me in order for me to get better at something I must practice and practice and through time I will get better. I have taken upon myself to follow his advice I will write once a day to get my writing skills better. I cannot improve if I don't practice. The time away from school has taught me a lot about myself and life itself. Each day will be a new chance for me to improve myself. It's difficult for me to move on from a place which had become a second home for years. How can I remove myself from a community that I felt safe, happy and knowledgeable. Through each class that I took over the years I learned a little bit more about myself and the person who I want to become. I may be timid, shy, quiet or whatever word you want to describe me but my passion is beyond anyone else's. I need a sign. A sign in which direction I must take. I have been thinking about moving away from California but I think it's a bit drastic or is it? I don't know. That's my answer to every question I ask myself. It's the truth. I cannot hide it.

Things in my mind

Just another night wasting my time rather doing productive actions. It has been a habit of mine for several years now and it seems getting worst by the minute. Not sure if it's because I love procrastination or I'm just lazy. Well this time is neither, for the past few days my thoughts have been controlling me and controlling my actions. A lot of uncertain things have been on my mind these couple of days. Things that have been troubling me such as school, friends and life after December. I have been quiet about how stressful I feel because I don't want things to end. As I try to remain calm about everything there is a bit of anxiety rushing down my veins. Not knowing what to do scares me because I thought by now I would have everything in place but in reality I'm not. I mean I know where I want to be but not sure how to get there. On the other hand, my love life, you may be wondering about Edgar* and Ricky* well happy to say that I'm not dating neither of them at the moment. With Edgar* he just completely disappeared and with Ricky* while I have been texting him for several weeks now and I want to say that something is growing there but I feel nothing towards him. I want things to work out with him because I found him so passionate and interesting I might fall for him hard but I don't understand why haven't I done so already? Is there something or someone preventing me to fall for him? I don't understand myself and my emotions. But this is least of my problems at least for right now...

Taking a Breather

Writing how one feels is hard. Thinking deep and reach down to the core of your soul and write how you feel is some hard stuff. This is has been a difficult process for me just because I don’t like sharing my feelings to anyone. But I realize that letting go of some of these emotions help me out relieve some stress and be more calm with myself. Sorry to bring this up but I guess I felt important to start of my blog post today. But right now, I'm mistakenly insane, with school (projects, essays, hours), while searching what I'm going to do with the rest of my life after December but also thinking about individual #1(Edgar*) and individual #2 (Ricky*). I just want to take time to write and write and let off some steam before getting back to non-stop working. 

Just breathe, Maggie. I tell myself when I feel I'm overwhelming myself with school.Sometimes it works and other times it takes a while. 

How am I doing? Is the BIG question. I don't know, I haven't stop and thought about it. I mean, yeah I'm doing well compared to other days, I'm keeping myself busy and not letting my thoughts kill me. That's good right? With school, I'm trying to take it day by day and try to do as much as I can before my lazy gene kicks in and surprisingly it hasn't so far. With the certain individuals, not sure yet and I don't think I have time to think thoroughly... 

Well lets see how the rest of the day turns out. 

F.Y.I I'm sick. yes again! :(

Not sure where i am at

Not sure how I feel right at this moment... I'm scared and unsure about what I got myself into. A lot has happen since my last post and it needs to be told. Get this last Wednesday I received an unexpected visitor at school, it was Edgar*. I totally freaked, especially when he told me he wanted to see me. I was in the middle of working on my midterm, I received a call from him asking for my help and I can't say no to him. I know it was bad from my part by paying more attention to him than my midterm but i just had to. I wanted answers. Answers to why he had bailed on me. I walked rapidly to our spot and there he was sitting. He walked towards me and hug me. In that instance, I had forgotten what I was feeling (my anxieties from school) in that moment; as if his hug cure my feelings of stress. He grab my hand and sat me in his lap and ask me, how am I feeling? I smiled. In that moment all these feelings for him rushed back in my body, for a moment I felt like the world froze for a moment, like if time had stop. As if we were the only ones there and all of the sudden our lips touch. After that tender, sweet, soft, smooth kiss I glance at his gorgeous brown-hazel eyes and he told me he came to school so we would talk about us and how he wants to make things work between us. When he said those exactly those words, my whole body shaken with joy, because I cannot believe it. The reason I name my post not sure where i am at, even though we agreed that we would make this works has made me think about what's going to happen next. ???? Did I made the right choice? What about the other individual? Ricky*? Not sure where things are going? I really don't want to overwhelm myself with these thoughts but I just want to make sure I made the right choice.

I need a sign!!!! So confused. ?? I know I shouldn't be...  because finally I'm with the guy whom I have been dreaming about but I shouldn't be doubting. Please Help.